January 27, 2010

The Resolution

I felt guilty. I had cleaned the bathrooms, and the laundry was fairly caught up. My visiting teaching was all but done and the youngest had been deposited at ballet lessons with several minutes to spare.
But my husband came home earlier than expected, changed into his stripeys and called out, "I have to ref a game nobody knew was happening! I'll be home after 6!" Kiss on the cheek and gone.
I knew he was exhausted, and hungry, a million things on his mind, and he would never see the cash he made reffing this game because we overspent at Christmas. I'd had a couple phone calls for "Bishop", but the messages would wait. He always got to them when he could.
I scrambled to make dinner so he would have a hearty meal to come home to. The kitchen was a little messy, the kids' school dump was still all over the entry, our bedroom was still bare-boned, waiting to be painted, and the piles of things that needed a home after re-organizing my study/laundryroom were still waiting in the dining room.
I had been on the computer most of the day, searching for a vacation rental on the Oregon coast big enough for us and extended family, editing a WIP, and reading.
Later, after dinner, as kids were getting ready for bed, Brandon pulled me in for a hug. "I put in my application today." Our high school principal is retiring. We'd worked together a little on updating his resume.
I told him I was proud of him, and so grateful he works so hard for us, always trying to better himself and our lives. I looked around at the piles of clutter.
"What did you do today?" He had that little smile that told me he already knew the answer.
Heh. I listed as many things as I could, then gave up. "I was on the computer most of the day."
"I'm sorry."
He just looked at me with that smile.
"I can't seem to find balance. I feel like... I have to search and read and find everything I can-"
"About writing?"
"Mm-hm. It's like I'm getting an education."
He nodded.
"But I have to treat this like a job. With set hours, and I think as soon as I do that, I can get a handle on, you know, the stuff I used to be on top of."
"Sounds good to me. Anything I can do?"

Guilt guilt guilt. Since when did my tell-it-like-it-is, 'I'm-not-a-pessimist-I'm-a-realist', life-is-like-football, "What do flowers have to do with romance?", type 'A' personality husband become Mr. Sensitivity? Because, to be perfectly honest, when I was writing my first novel (2008) into the wee hours of the morning, afternoon, and every hour in-between, throwing cold cereal at the kids and telling him there were left-overs somewhere I was sure of it... the resentment of my laptop and the words filling it up was apparent.
And then he read it. After much begging and pleading and batting of eyelashes, on my part that is, he read my novel. And read and read.
And when he finished he took a deep breath and shook his head, and said, "Come here," and held me really tight.
He said, "You can do this."

So, I am going to give myself a schedule... not too tight, because I am SO not a type 'A' personality, I am going to re-visit the chore chart, and I am going to find some of that balance my family and I deserve. I need to feel good about this endeavor, and I need my family to feel good about it, too. With all that is going on in the world, we are so blessed, and our time is so short.

I can do this.


David J. West said...

You can do it Krista-you have done it.

Everyone I know who says they want to write a book but doesn't have the time are fooling themselves. We all have the same hours in the day and roughly the same responsibilities of life-you have to make the time if its what you want to do.

Loving REMNANT and if I haven't told you yet I missed reviewing that archeology movie (though I pretty much already knew the gist of it-and I agree with it)

Hope you hear back on your other soon.

M. Gray said...

Ohhhh Krista. You just wrote my life right now.

ali said...

This is a beautiful post, Krista. I love your husband right now. What a man.

So take this chance, use it all up. You CAN do this!

DL Hammons said...

Us hubby's come through every now and then.

You can do this!

Sarah M Eden said...

Your husband sounds like a keeper!

Shelli said...

You guys are great. You have the support, and you have the goals, you'll make it all work out!

Local Channel 10 said...

Good luck. It's so hard to find that balance, but it sounds like you have a good perspective of what's important. My mantra is "There's a time and a season ..."

Sometimes I feel like I'm cramming everything I can possibly find about writing into an already overflowing mind and schedule. But my husband like your husband is so supportive. He says "You are so happy when you are writing." That forty-five to sixty minutes is my little escape for the day.

I took a week off from writing and blogging because I was afraid it was holding me back from my responsibilities. Guess what? I found out that I could still barely keep up--and I still got buried a couple of days. I discovered that the hour I spend writing renews my the energy and gets me excited about life again.

Local Channel 10 said...

This is Kate, not Nate doing the posting. I'm using my husband's computer due to some serious damage to my computer during a recent power outage. Sorry for the confusion. I should be smarter about logging it.

Krista said...

Thank you everyone for your uplifting comments!
David- I'm glad you're loving REMNANT. Let me know when you are done and everything you think!
M.- Commiseration is beautiful.
Ali, DL, Sarah- He IS a keeper.
Shell- xx you are a HUGE part of that support (which is funny because you are petite)
And Kate- I thought it must be you when I got to the part about going offline for a week, I have thought of you several times the last week and wondered if you could do it, maybe I could. Haha, maybe I'll pick a day, instead.
You all are so great!!!!

Gramma Spice said...

You will look back on this time and ask yourself: How did I accomplish so much? You will remember your young adoring husband and kids, not the unfinished chores. You will remember the thrill of being published, but most of all, you will be awed at what you did as a young, creative and VERY busy wife, mom, writer, chauffeur, cheerleader, chef, dreamer, realist, and Bishop's wife. Do the drab work early and breathe in what you love the rest of the day. Love you, sweetie. Mom

Bonnie said...

Krista, I've been MIA for a bit, but I LOVE reading your posts! You have such talent, I cannot WAIT to have your book in my hand!

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